Mindful listening

I’ve always thought of myself as more of a listener than a talker.  I find that statement interesting because I’ve made a career out of standing in front of people basically….talking!  But I see my role as a teacher as someone to create dialogues.  I have found my job to be about listening. 

Developing my listening skills has helped me in all areas of my life.  At my yoga training at the Kripalu Center, there was a section on co-listening.  This was a technique we would use when we gave feedback on each other’s practice teaching.  Co-listening in our training was about taking the time to not speak while someone else was speaking, being a non-judgmental observer, and offering the gift of presence and awareness to another person.  I’ve been able to use this technique when in conversation with everyone—in the yoga room, and with friends and family.

I also learned about how to be a listener through my bodywork training.  I was taught in massage school, how to assess people’s tone of voice, the way people walk, and even to pay attention to the way people smell to gauge their strengths and imbalances.  I learned how to gather information about people by watching and observing so that I could be in service towards them.  What do people say, what do people not say?  What is important to them so that I can best meet their needs?

Through my time at my Kriplau yoga training and my bodywork training in accessing clients, I have learned that being a good listener is a practice, just like a yoga practice.  It involves focus, attention, body awareness, and compassion. 

I developed five steps to make everyday conversations a practice in listening.  Just as yoga is a practice of self-awareness and introspection, being in a conversation and sharing with others can be a mindfulness practice together.

5 tips for good listening skills:

Give space for people to talk.  Just as in yoga there is a pause after the yoga pose, which is a space for integration, wait for the pauses in your dialogue.  I think this can be difficult, because it is natural to start talking about yourself in the pauses.  Instead, sometimes I ask in the pause, “is there anything else you wanted to share” to see what comes up.  Your friend, family, loved one, may just be getting to the good part!

Listen to understand.  This may sound simple, but what is this person saying to you?  If you feel distracted by something, can you set it aside and give this person your full attention.  Take in their words and notice what they mean. 

Notice the person talking to you.  Start to listen with more than just your ears.  One of my massage teachers told me I was someone that speaks with my eyes.  Maybe the person you are talking to has a lot to say in their eyes, face, or expression.  Look at their face and see what their face is telling you.

Check in with your body.  Here is where your previous yoga & meditation practice come in handy.  Do a body scan as you might in yoga.  As your partner is talking, are you creating any tension in your body?  Extra tension can make it harder to digest and process what someone is saying.  Where can you soften to be more receptive in the moment?

Invite in kindness.  Or love, or nonjudgement, or the witness consciousness, or any other word that makes sense to you.  Listening is an act of metta, loving kindness towards someone.  You are giving someone the gift of being cared about. 

Through giving people the space to talk, listening to understand their point of view, using all of your senses to become aware of what they are saying, checking in with your own body, and inviting in kindness, you will be using your yoga skills to develop mindful conversations. 

This month I’m guiding yoga classes around the theme of being a listener of your practice. You are invited to join me online for Gentle, Yin, and Chair Yoga, first week is a free gift. Click here to sign up!